How to Survive Valentine’s Day After the Death of a Partner (2024)

I recently lost a very good friend. Of course, like too many stories, it was to cancer. Her life was stolen so early; she was only in her 50s. She passed away in January, but due to relentless winter weather, her memorial service was pushed back to early February.

I remember thinking, “How is her husband surviving?” He was also a dear friend. I wondered how he was surviving after attending a service for the love of his life and then being bombarded with all the Valentine’s Day gear and signs just a mere week or so later.

St. Valentine somehow found himself as the patron saint of happy couples, making his holiday painstakingly awful not only for some of those without a romantic partner but also for some of those whose love is now gone. In America, we seem to have gotten the memo that we need survival guides for single people to endure Valentine’s Day. We are now in a world full of Galentine’s Days and Palentine’s Days where there are lists for how to treat yourself to a nice Valentine’s Day gift.

There are, in other words, amazing alternatives to spending Valentine’s Day awash in the misery of being reminded of how single you are. Instead, that singleness can now be celebrated with friends and other loved ones.

But a major, overlooked demographic missing from the “Valentine’s Day sucks” equation are those whose spouse or partner has passed away. Approximately 2.5 million people die in the U.S. annually, many of whom have a romantic partner or spouse. Among older adults alone, the rates of being widowed are as high as 58 percent.

And the heartache and risks are real. Studies have found that losing a spouse makes men 70 percent and women 27 percent more likely to die the following year, with younger men being most at risk—suggesting that it’s not just age; it’s heartbreak.

So, what are we offering to help these heartsick and grieving individuals cope with this triggering holiday?

As a researcher and expert on death, dying, and grief, and an associate professor at Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center in Seattle, I focus on supporting terminally ill patients and their loved ones. Through that line of work, I consistently encounter people who have lost their partners.

After losing someone you love dearly, the world is full of what we call “grief triggers” or environmental cues that bring up memories of your loss. Valentine’s Day can be one big grief trigger for someone who has lost a partner or spouse, even if they didn’t necessarily celebrate the holiday together.

Just as it is for many single people, Valentine’s Day can serve as a stark reminder that you are so very alone and without a romantic partner this year. But it’s even more personal because you are reeling from the pain of having lost a very specific person whom you loved. And unlike a breakup, you didn't want the relationship to end, making it a unique type of loss.

So how can you cope with Valentine’s Day if you find yourself in this painful situation? Here are some tips on how to survive the holiday that many have long seen as frustrating or exclusionary.

Make Space for Yourself to Feel Sad

Perhaps one of the most important things to do in preparation for Valentine’s Day is to make space for yourself to feel sad. This both refers to giving yourself permission to feel sad but also clearing your schedule to anticipate that you may experience grief triggers on the actual day.

By clearing your schedule, you are taking a practical step of self-care to allow yourself to grieve this holiday. Things like seeing happy couples in love out and about on this day or seeing cards and flowers and constant reminders of love can be very hard to witness after losing your partner. It’s important to make space for yourself and know it’s OK to feel sad.

Take a Play Out of the Palentine’s Day Book: Invite Others to Celebrate with You

Something that singles have really figured out on Valentine’s Day is how to turn the holiday around on its head and celebrate themselves in their singleness as an act of resistance against the unnecessary pressures many feel that this holiday brings. Similarly, if you feel up to it, you can use the time to celebrate with loved ones and friends.

If you know people who have lost a spouse or belong to a widowed support group, you could even gather with those individuals to celebrate yourselves. Surviving Valentine’s Day as someone who is widowed is no small feat, so you should celebrate yourself.

Think of a Way to Celebrate that Your Partner Would Have Loved

Try to think of something you and your partner would have loved to do for Valentine’s Day and then do that. It could be something very classic, like having a candlelit dinner at home, or it could be something offbeat like seeing a horror film. If you both felt Valentine’s Day was ridiculous, then by all means celebrate it that way!

If your loved one bought you chocolates and flowers, then buy them for yourself and make them be from your loved one. It can be very healing to think about what your partner would have done for you and then do it for yourself as a way of connecting with and remembering them. Feel free to invite others who loved that person into the ritual or use it as a time for self-care.

Do Something Loving in Your Partner’s Memory

Another way to honor your partner is to volunteer or give your time, energy, or resources in a way that would be meaningful to them. You could donate money to a cause they really cared about, spend your time at an organization where they volunteered or would have loved to support, or think of other creative ways to give some non-romantic love to the world this Valentine’s Day.

Do Something Special at Your Partner’s Gravesite

There is no reason you can’t and shouldn’t include your partner in the actual celebration. If they have a gravesite or place where you feel close to them, you can visit that place. Bring flowers to them. Have a picnic and chat with them. It can be a powerful way to connect with the person now gone.

Treat Yourself to Something Special

Finally, whatever you do, make sure that you treat yourself in some special way. Go to the spa, grab your favorite coffee, buy a box of chocolates, stay in and watch a movie, and eat pizza with champagne. Whatever feels right. You deserve all the love and care as you cope with the grief of surviving Valentine’s Day after losing your own love.