The Problem With Being Too Logical in Love (2023)


There's a particular kind of argument that can take place in a relationship when one person starts to be - provocatively - too 'rational' and logical. It sounds like this might be a clever and good move, but excessive logic can constitute a kind of obtuseness all of its own.
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“It seems odd at first to imagine that we might get angry, even maddened, by a partner because they were, in the course of a discussion, proving to be too reasonable and too logical. We are used to thinking highly of reason and logic. We are not normally enemies of evidence and rationality. How then could these ingredients become problematic in the course of love? But from close up, considered with sufficient imagination, our suspicion can make a lot of sense.
When we are in difficulties what we may primarily be seeking from our partners is a sense that they understand what we are going through. We are not looking for answers (the problems may be too large for there to be any obvious ones) so much as comfort, reassurance and fellow-feeling. In the circumstances, the deployment of an overly logical stance may come across not as an act of kindness, but as a species of disguised impatience.”


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It seems odd at first to imagine that we might get angry even maddened by a partner because they were in the course of a discussion proving to be too reasonable and too logical.

We are used to thinking highly of reason and logic, we're not normally enemies of evidence and rationality.

How, then, could these ingredients become problematic in the course of love, but from close up considered with sufficient imagination? Our suspicion can make a lot of sense when we're in difficulties.

What we may primarily be seeking from our partners is a sense that they understand what we're going through we're not looking for answers.

The problems may be too large for there to be any obvious ones.

So much as comfort, reassurance and fellow feeling, in the circumstances, the deployment of an overly logical stance may come across not as an act of kindness but as a species of disguised impatience.

Let's imagine someone who comes to their partner complaining of vertigo.

The fear of heights is usually manifestly unreasonable.

The balcony obviously isn't about to collapse.

There's a strong iron balustrade between us and the abyss.

The building has been repeatedly tested by experts.

We may know all this intellectually, but it does nothing to reduce our sickening anxiety in practice.

If a partner were to patiently begin to explain the laws of physics to us, we wouldn't be grateful.

We would simply feel that they were misunderstanding us much.

That troubles us has a structure akin to vertigo.

Our worry isn't exactly reasonable, but we're unsettled all the same.

We can, for example, continue to feel guilty about letting down our parents, no matter how nice to them, we've actually been, or we can feel very worried about money, even if we're objectively, economically quite safe, we can feel horrified by our own appearance, even though no one else judges our face or body harshly, or we can be certain that we're failures.

We've messed up everything we've ever done, even if, in objective terms, we seem to be doing pretty well, we can obsess that we've forgotten to pack something, even though we've taken a lot of care and can in any case, by almost everything at the other end, or we may feel that our life will fall apart.

If we have to make a short speech, even the thousands of people make quite bad speeches every day and their lives continue as normal.

When we recount our worries to our partner, we may receive a set of precisely delivered unimpassioned logical answers.

We have been good to our parents, we have packed enough toothpaste, etc, answers that are both entirely true and yet unhelpful as well, and so in their own way.


It feels as if the excessive logic of the other person has led them to look down on our concerns, because, reasonably speaking, we shouldn't have our fears or worries.

The implication is that no sane person would have them.

Our partners make us feel a bit mad, the one putting forward the so-called logical point of view shouldn't be surprised by the angry response they receive.

They are forgetting how weird and beyond the ordinary rules of reason, all human minds can be their own included.

The logic they are applying is really a species of brute common sense that refuses the deeper insights of psychology.

Of course, our minds are prey to phantasms illusions, projections and neurotic terrors.

Of course, we're afraid of many things that don't exist in the so-called real world, but such phenomena are not so much illogical as deserving of the application of a deeper logic, based on a sympathy for the complexities of emotional life, our sense of whether we're attractive or not isn't about what we actually look like.

It follows a so-called logic that goes back to childhood and how loved we were made to feel by those we depended on.

The fear of public speaking can be bound up with long buried and tortuous.

Emotions of shame and a fear around competing and dealing with others envy an excessively logical approach to fears, discounts their origins and concentrates instead on why we shouldn't have them, which is maddening when we're in pain.

It's not that we actually want our partner to stop being reasonable.

We want them to apply their intelligence to the task of reassurance.

We want them to enter into the weirder bits of our own experience by remembering their own.

We want to be understood for being the mad animals.

We all are and then comforted and consoled that it will probably all be okay.

Anyway, then again, it could be that the application of excessive logic isn't an accident or form of stupidity.

It may just be an act of revenge.

Perhaps the partner is giving brief logical answers to our worries, because their efforts to be more sympathetic towards us in the past have gone nowhere.

Perhaps we've neglected their needs if two people were being properly logical in the deepest sense of the word that is truly alive to all the complexities of emotional functioning, rather than squabbling around the question of.

Why are you being so rational when I'm in pain? The person on the receiving end of superficial logic? Should gently change the subject and ask? Is it possible I've hurt or been neglecting you now? That would be real logic.

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Is it bad to be too logical in a relationship? ›

The biggest danger logic presents to a relationship is the avoidance of emotions. By communicating to your spouse or partner that you don't want to hear their emotions, they may be left feeling alone and unimportant.

What are the downsides of being too logical? ›

Being too logical — too identified with one's mind — can lead to perfectionism, loneliness, detachment, or lack of creativity. Some of us are predominantly logical; some of us are predominantly emotional. That is, primarily guided by the mind or one's emotions.

What do you call someone who is too logical? ›

Hyperrational. "Characterized by excessive rationality." – MetaEd.

How does a logical person love? ›

Logical often refers to predictability, stability and calculated risk. Being logical is to love someone who is caring, kind, approved by friends and family, love you more than you do, never miss anniversaries… and safe.

How do you deal with an illogical partner? ›

10 Tips for Dealing With An Irrationally Angry Spouse
  1. Listen. Quite often, the best thing you can say is... ...
  2. Be patient. None of us are perfect. ...
  3. Get some fresh air. ...
  4. Try to see things from their perspective. ...
  5. Don't retaliate. ...
  6. Stay calm. ...
  7. Don't get offended. ...
  8. Give them some space.
Jun 5, 2015

Should logic outweigh feelings? ›

Several studies conclude that up to 90 percent of the decisions we make are based on emotion. We use logic to justify our actions to ourselves and to others. Take note that emotion will always win over logic and that imagination will always win over reality.

What is an example of logic being wrong? ›

Only one of them contains a logical fallacy: If you go outside without a coat, you'll catch a cold. If you go outside without a coat, you'll catch a cold and infect the rest of the family. Then your sister will have to miss class and she'll get a bad grade and fail her course.

Is being logical all the time good? ›

Logical thinking skills are important because they can help you reason through important decisions, solve problems, generate creative ideas and set goals—all of which are necessary for developing your career.

Can a logical person and emotional person be together? ›

Relationships between Thinkers and Feelers, the “T” and the “F” of the Myers and Briggs personality system, are often well-balanced. Between them, these two personality types bring the right combination of logical thinking and emotional thinking to the table.

What type of people are logical? ›

A logical person uses precise language so that his listener knows exactly what he is talking about and can adequately evaluate the truth of his claims. If he refers to more complex terms such as “freedom” or “equality,” he makes sure to establish his particular understanding of those terms.

What does it mean if someone is very logical? ›

The logical thinking definition is analyzing a situation or problem using reason and coming up with potential solutions. Logical thinkers gather all the information they can, assess the facts, and then methodically decide the best way to move forward.

Is love a logic or an emotion? ›

Nevertheless, many researchers, mainly psychologists, have established its impulsive and motivational characteristics, which are even similar to those of addictive drug abuse. However, many professionals in the field of psychology and psychiatry still consider love to be a complex emotion or feeling.

What does love isn't logical mean? ›

Loving someone is not meant to make complete sense. It's crazy. Falling in love means signing up for someone to completely wreck your life in every good way possible. You are welcoming in someone to rearrange some things, and that in and of itself isn't logical and doesn't have a specific process.

What is the most logical definition of love? ›

noun. a strong feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, such as for a parent, child, friend, or pet: He bent and kissed his newborn daughter on the brow, his heart full of love and gratitude.

What is toxic love? ›

Toxic love may involve physical, mental, or emotional abuse, or it might involve manipulation, emotional blackmail, shame, control, or other potentially harmful behaviors.

What does unhealthy love look like? ›

Lying, cheating, jealousy, and disrespect are signs of an unhealthy relationship. So is trying to control a partner. That includes: keeping track of where they are and who they hang out with.

What is unhealthy love? ›

Some characteristics of unhealthy relationships include: Control. One dating partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, what to wear, or who to spend time with. He or she is unreasonably jealous, and/or tries to isolate the other partner from his or her friends and family. Hostility.

What is stonewalling in a relationship? ›

What does it mean to stonewall someone? In simple terms, stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or is refusing to communicate with another person.

What is the psychology of a toxic partner? ›

A toxic relationship is often characterized by repeated, mutually destructive modes of relating between a couple. These patterns can involve jealousy, possessiveness, dominance, manipulation, desperation, selfishness or rejection.

What is a toxic partner like? ›

A toxic relationship is one that makes you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked. A relationship is toxic when your well-being is threatened in some way—emotionally, psychologically, and even physically.

How do you not let emotions overrule logic? ›

6 Ways To Control Your Emotions and Make Better Decisions
  1. The Science of Decision-Making. ...
  2. Pause and assess the situation. ...
  3. Don't always rely on your gut. ...
  4. Put it in writing. ...
  5. Narrow your options. ...
  6. Ask the majority. ...
  7. Avoid burnout.
May 31, 2016

How do you respond logically rather than emotionally? ›

Thinking Logically Through Your Emotions
  1. Pause and Breathe. Recognize that what you feel is a response to your own thoughts about what is happening to you, or around you. ...
  2. Remove yourself from the situation. ...
  3. Avoid “child logic” ...
  4. Respond Logically.

Is logic rooted from emotion? ›

Emotion is the language of the unconscious mind and logic is the language of conscious mind. Without emotions we can't quickly and easily make decisions.

What are two common mistakes in logic? ›


What are the 6 types of faulty logic? ›

6 Logical Fallacies That Can Ruin Your Growth
  • Hasty Generalization. A Hasty Generalization is an informal fallacy where you base decisions on insufficient evidence. ...
  • Appeal to Authority. ...
  • Appeal to Tradition. ...
  • Post hoc ergo propter hoc. ...
  • False Dilemma. ...
  • The Narrative Fallacy. ...
  • 6 Logical Fallacies That Can Ruin Your Growth.
Apr 14, 2023

What are the 3 types of fallacies? ›

The common fallacies are usefully divided into three categories: Fallacies of Relevance, Fallacies of Unacceptable Premises, and Formal Fallacies. Many of these fallacies have Latin names, perhaps because medieval philosophers were particularly interested in informal logic.

Are intelligent people more logical? ›

Highly intelligent people are usually also highly rational. Here, we refer purely to intellectual and logical intelligence, rather than emotional intelligence. Highly intelligent people may be intellectually gifted and logical, though not necessarily emotionally gifted.

Are logical thinkers smart? ›

For a given problem, it is possible to come up with a large number of solutions that are logically valid. The process of determining the best solution typically requires intelligence. In other words, a logical argument isn't necessarily intelligent.

What is logic in a relationship? ›

The “logical” partner explains their perspective on the situation using facts, observations, and worldly“truths.” They're coming from a well-intentioned place and looking to help their partner feel better. The focus is to explain why their partner doesn't need to feel the way they do.

Can deep thinkers fall in love? ›

Deep thinkers in relationships are all for beautiful and appealing things. They might easily fall in love with a person's potential instead of who they are. The idea of love is appealing to them, but that love might only exist in their head.

What are the four logical relationships? ›

There are, in fact, 4 specific types of logical relationships that should be made a note of. These 4 types of relationships are: Start to finish relationships, Start to start relationships, Finish to start relationships, and finish to finish relationships.

Can two people be emotionally incompatible? ›

When two people are completely incompatible, their behavior becomes completely irrational. Too often, two incompatible people initiate a cycle of mutual emotional immolation, spiraling through love/hate cycles together at the speed of life.

Which personality type is most logical? ›

The Thinker: INTP

INTPs are well known in the community and in day to day life for their brilliant theories and unrelenting logic, which makes sense since they are arguably the most logical minded of all the personality types.

What is the most logical personality? ›

Thinker (INTP)

INTPs are generally the most logical-minded of the personality types. They love patterns, are quick to notice discrepancies and have a strong ability to read people. They aren't typically interested in practical daily activities but instead enjoy environments where they can express creativity.

What type of personality types are very good at logic? ›

So which personality types are most logical? ISTPs and ISTJs are typically the most logical. They are thinkers who focus on the facts and make decisions based on what they know to be true. They are rational, analytical, and logical individuals who aren't very emotional and can look at a situation objectively.

What does it mean to have high logical reasoning? ›

The best way to define logical reasoning skills is the ability to focus on tasks and activities by following a chain of thought processes and relating statements to one another. The process allows you to find a logical solution to your problem.

What is the difference between a logical thinker and a critical thinker? ›

Logical thinking is the process of evaluating truth conditions and the legitimacy of connections between statements by applying formal deductive logic. Critical thinking pays heed to logical thinking processes yet allows for less rigid evaluations while remaining analytical.

What is the opposite of a logical person? ›

▲ Opposite of characterized by or capable of clear, sound reasoning. illogical. nonsensical. irrational.

Why does love defy logic? ›

Studies show that profound emotions can block logical thinking. It may be an entirely different world when love has you in its grasp. This doesn't mean that love is necessarily a negative experience, but it can sometimes lead people to abandon critical thinking and decision-making skills.

What is a true lover? ›

True love is an acceptance of who you are as a person. Even when your partner doesn't agree with you, they don't try to change you. When you found true love, you often feel you can talk about anything with your partner. You can trust them with your deepest dreams, your hardest memories, and your biggest fears.

What emotion is deeper than love? ›

Being enamored of something or with someone goes far beyond liking them, and it's even more flowery than love. Enamored means smitten with, or totally infatuated. Someone enamored with another will perhaps even swoon.

What are the signs of no love in a relationship? ›

Besides no longer getting excited to spend time together, you may find yourself flat-out avoiding your partner. You may stay late at work, see movies or eat dinner by yourself, or even take the long way home to avoid being with your partner for a moment longer than you have to.

Is love meant to be confusing? ›

While love can be a wonderful and rewarding emotion, there's often a lot of confusion surrounding love. It can be difficult to understand your feelings, wants, and needs, especially when it comes to relationships with others. But love doesn't necessarily have to be confusing.

Why love is not a feeling but a choice? ›

Why is love a choice? Love is a choice and a decision because your actions determine if it lives on or ends. You are in control of how you act in your relationships and how much you push past conflict and challenges. When you decide to work on communication, trust, intimacy, or emotional security, you're choosing love.

What are the signs of true love? ›

You can usually recognize real love by these 12 signs.
  • You feel safe with them. ...
  • They listen. ...
  • They acknowledge your differences instead of trying to change you. ...
  • You can communicate easily. ...
  • They encourage you to do your own thing. ...
  • You trust each other. ...
  • They make an effort. ...
  • You know you can collaborate or compromise.
Oct 28, 2020

Is love at first sight logical? ›

Experts say that it is, in fact, very much possible to feel some kind of love at first sight. It depends on the type of love you're experiencing. There are quite a few reasons why you might feel an instant attraction to someone and this can feel like you're falling in love in an instant.

What does logical mean in a relationship? ›

The “logical” partner explains their perspective on the situation using facts, observations, and worldly“truths.” They're coming from a well-intentioned place and looking to help their partner feel better. The focus is to explain why their partner doesn't need to feel the way they do.

Is it better to live logically or emotionally? ›

In many ways, logic is better than emotion. The more you can think critically and objectively about a decision before you make it, the more likely the decision will be the best for you. The less you are drive only by emotion and instinct, the fewer impulsive or irrational decisions you should make.

What are logical consequences in relationships? ›

What are Logical Consequences? Logical consequences are the result of a person's actions but are imposed by an outside force, like a parent. The consequence links directly to the person's actions but wouldn't occur unless the parent implements it.

What is an example of a logical relationship? ›

Thus, “John has a high IQ and is immensely popular” is logically related to “John has a high IQ,” because if the latter is false the former must be false, whereas if the former is true the latter must be true.

Why do emotions win over logic? ›

Consider the following advantages of emotion over logic: Arousing the emotions of your audience engages your listeners and distracts them from your intention to influence and persuade. Emotion requires less effort than logic. Logic solicits cognitive effort, whereas emotion is automatic.

Does love and logic coexist? ›

Love and logic do mix

And as fun as it is to let our reckless hearts roam free, we do have to be a bit logical in love. I'm no relationship expert but connection is really important to me, and now I follow these principles, I feel more open than I ever have.

Why are some people more logical than emotional? ›

People who are left-brained tend to care more about logic and reason. As a result, they tend to make decisions based on logic rather than emotions. They tend to have a harder time empathizing with people, but are better at accomplishing goals.

Is it possible to be too rational? ›

Many of us are trying to restore a bit of rationality in our lives, to get free from impulsive acts and get a little more thinking in, and that's usually a good thing. However, we can also become too rational.

Is being logical a strength? ›

Logical thinking skills are important because they can help you reason through important decisions, solve problems, generate creative ideas and set goals—all of which are necessary for developing your career.

What is high logical thinking? ›

Logical thinking is the ability to make a rational conclusion by analyzing a situation, and it helps the human mind to make a distinction between right and wrong. Keep in mind that well-developed logical thinking skills also promote our skills such as analytical thinking, reasoning, math, and problem-solving.

Are logical thinkers intelligent? ›

For a given problem, it is possible to come up with a large number of solutions that are logically valid. The process of determining the best solution typically requires intelligence. In other words, a logical argument isn't necessarily intelligent.

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